I have never been one to place much significance on birthdays – you know, “Sweet 16″ (a.k.a., “Licensed for Fun!”), “Coming-of-age 21″ or “Look who’s 30?!”… Little fanfare played as I eclipsed those years. They were just “another year” in a long string of years… (But I’m not complaining!)
2003 happens to mark my fortieth year on this earth. That’s right, the “Big 4-0″ or as the greeting card companies like to say, “Naughty Forty”.
I truly hadn’t given the coming year any thought as the mirrored ball descended at midnight in Times Square, while the hundreds of thousands revelers celebrated the new year. (I marked it quietly at home with the boys – remember, I’m middle-aged now!) Nor had I been dreading the pending date of my birth until friends and co-workers started remarking frequently that they couldn’t BELIEVE that I was going to be 40. Or that I didn’t look 40. Or that I didn’t act like I was almost 40. Suddenly, “40″ took on an almost dirty connotation…. That’s DIRTY, not NAUGHTY. Unfortunately, the comments started MONTHS before the actual date – so I had time to sit and ponder the turn of another decade. My heretofore silent biological clock changed from a silent digital clock to a Baby Ben wind-up clock. The tick-tocking suddenly kept me up at night or woke me from a peaceful slumber in a childless panic.
A month before my birthday, fearing that my muscles would atrophy beyond their already slack state, I decided that I needed to have, nay, MUST have THE quintessential exercise machine, the Total Gym 11000. I had been dazzled by the infomercials over the years, with sexy girl-next-door super-model Christie Brinkley and strong man Chuck Norris, pumping their muscles in the wee hours of the mornings, telling me (and a million other insomniacs and/or losers, your choice) that just 30 minutes a day is all that I would need to shed pounds, gain muscle and tone my body.
After spending the month researching the Total Gym and Bowflex, I finally decided on the Total Gym. And, no, it wasn’t because of Christie or Chuck.
I ordered my Total Gym 11000 a few days after my birthday. I was able to rationalize my purchase as a “gift of health and fitness” that I could share with my family. Apparently, my midlife crisis was contributing to my losing all sense of reality. Was I already suffering from early-onset dementia?! I was now 40 (“Lordy, Lordy, look who’s 40!?!”), residing in a fantasy world where overweight, under-motivated and completely unrealistic expectations were the name of the game and now $1349 in debt! Yikes!
Charging it on my new Target charge card helped ease the burden of my guilt since a portion of each purchase is given back to the kids of the school of my choice… So, technically, this purchase was For the Children® . Ah, yes, I now rank among the top philanthropists for the District 281 schools.
I actually have to admit that I really LOVE the Total Gym. It does give you a tremendous workout – and it’s fun to use. The problem is – you HAVE TO WORK OUT… Every bloody day. Unfortunately, I have yet to stick with an exercise routine that lasts longer than two weeks, always finding other things to take me away from doing what I know I should do. Hang ten? Not a problem – I can surf the Web with the best of them. I am able to do hundreds of repetitions of a mouse click in under a minute without even breaking a sweat. Checking out the headlines of each of my favorite sites can be done without losing my breath. Oh, yeah, if the Olympics gave medals for this event, I’d be a shoe in for a gold.
A month or so later, I decided to splurge for another item that’s always been on my wish list… another item that has haunted the wee hours of my mornings. That’s right, Personal Power II by the master of self-help, Tony Robbins. It’s a great 30-day program. I’ve repeated the first 4 days several times, but have yet to get through the entire program. Like the Total Gym, it’s a program that requires discipline to work through the exercises. I am sobered to admit that I lack the discipline that 40 years should have developed. With luck, I hope to change this trait over the next 40 years.
And, yes, it was For the Children® . I love being a middle-aged philanthropist trapped in a midlife crisis that’s in full swing. Can’t wait for menopause to kick in and REALLY throw off my hormones. Oooh, boy.
1963 wasn’t a bad year after all….
Top Headlines from 1963
Beatles have there first big success, “I Want To Hold our Hand”
Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” is a big hit.
Valium is introduced by Roche Labs (helpful in dispelling the nightmarish thoughts created by Hitchcock’s “The Birds”!)
The ‘Great Train Robbery’ occurred in Buckinghamshire, England, yielding 5 million in cash and jewels in 15 minutes to the daring robbers
A quarter of million people participate in the civil rights March on Washington. Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. makes his “I have a dream” speech.
Aldous Huxley dies
Pope John XXIII Dies, Pope Paul VI is elected
USA and USSR establish “hotline” connection.
President Kennedy visits Berlin: “Ich bin ein Berliner”.
Nuclear Test Ban treaty.
President Kennedy assassinated in Dallas, Texas.